Randon Entries:

Depression struck me down and open my mouth, sthit
TIME: 2:12 p.m.

DATE: 2002-01-29



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TODAY'S HEADLINES, HILARIOUS JUNK, AND SIDE STORIES

Today is my day off and I am so glad. I was glad that I was working but today is my day off. Yep Yep Yep A day off (Right now I am doing my day off dance) If you know what I look like, please don't picture it but if you don't pretend you see a very slim tall girl dancing) HA HA HA.

I fixed myself up and I don't know why though. I am in a good mood.

Yesterday was a great day especially to go riding around in my del sol with the top off and be a convertible. Yep yep yep chica chica

My step grandma is here and she is as always babying Dustin my step brother who I can't stand because he gets way to baby. He acts like it to. My favorite saying of my step mom is that she is proud that he take his medicine. That is because Barbara you are sitting on his bed nagging him. If you weren't there to do that he wouldn't take his stupid medicine for depression.. Yea right. He is so not depress. Maybe because he can't afford a stupid big widescreen, or a big huge computer and stuff like that. I swear he goes through jobs and girlfriends like i wear underwear (believe me people I change underwear everyday.) He is such a loser. It is the truth. And i think what really bother me about him is that he is very arrogant and egocenter. He is the total opposite of me. He is very thin. SHe my step mom bakes him stuff so he will eat. I am trying to be healthy and here are some cake at my home being bake. that aroma does you in. Believe me people, she made a German Chocolate Cake, Chocolate Brownies, Another desert, and spice cake all in this month. All for him. That is the truth. And that stinks. And I haven't even touch any of that stuff. Yep that is strong but belive me I am weakening at any minute. My home life is getting worse and worse. Not just by that. There are other reasons.

LIke right now my step grandma is talking shit to Dustin. But to mee all she talks about is how fat I am and how overly blessed I am with my big boobies. I am more then just my physical appearence. As far as society, I really haven't had any problems accepting me this way. In fact I haven't heard any snickers like some other people have or stuff like that. With the exception of my step mom and my step grandma and my mom. I really thinks that she is not conformable with herself so she talks about how she wishes she doesn't think about food at all.

My favorite thing is when I told my step mom that the last three paychecks I couldn't even take out one cent to my name and to save it. No misc. and I had to use my Christmas gift card to buy gas with it. (that stinks) And my step mom said to me "Well that's life."

Three weeks later, I found out that even though Dustin owes my dad and step mom over 600 dollars, that he got himself some speakers for his car, think $$$, and a really up there price DVd. And I mention that he should be glad that he doesn't have a date to pay all that money in if he spends it on goodies. Then my STEPMOM said well he needs to spend some of his money on something. If you spend all your money on bills, then it would not be good either.

HELLO HELLO. That means i have a lonely life that needs no misc. That has been my problem lately. THe difference that I see they way she treats me and the way she treats him. I know that is her physical part and I am part of the marriage but my dad treats me that way too. ANd the worst thing is that I feel like I have to beg for help. This February, I have an eye doctor and I have to cancel it because it is for getting new contacts (100.00 dollars) and not even talking about the price of the doctor appt. So that is going to be cancel. Stuff like that.

I still can't afford getting my family up in Ohio some Late, extremely late Christmas gifts. My dad is like well you are going to have a good paycheck coming up. NO shit shirlock. But the problem dad is that hey I have to pay for my car insurance. Excuse me 355 dollars is a lot of money. Excuse me my car payment is coming up and hello another ed loan is rigth around the corener kicking me in the butt. That is only 40 dollars but hey that is 40 dollars. That really stinks. So I am going to have the biggest paycheck starting at that place but hey it is going to be all gone before you know it. Believe me my paychecks goes out in one bounce....... And then I get my refund check after I do my taxes this week and you know where that is going to go. Yep you know it car payment and loan payment. It stinks to work hard and there is nothing there to show for it.

I take that right back. My wonderful car is the exception. This is why I am paying my stupid car payment but you know what my friends, that is the best investment I ever made in awile.

But you know what my friends, my days ar number living underneath my dad and step mom's roof. I can't stand it here anymore. I really don't even want to eat with them and the sad thing is that I have to give every excuse why I don't but I don't I just don't want to be around them sometimes because I feel like I must have lost their good expectations of me. And when the look at me they can see it. Or their favorite topic is Dustin, Dustin this and that. I am sick in tired of them talking about Dustin. Really. I don't want to be the center of the discussion and then they would talk about me having psychological problems which I do have but I dont' want to the world to know about them.

Yep I am ready to get out. Get my degree which hopefully (cross my fingers)gets me a good job (Please Lexington) and I am defintely going to live up there in peace and harmony.

But you know sometimes I wonder if this is all there is for me. AM i going to be this way all my life. Please SHit no way. I would not be living any more. What scares me worse then not going out of this place, is dying. IT scares me totally and after 9-11 I think about that more and more. I didn't live in NY but it did affect my way of thinking and the way I live. It affected me totally. I don't know what life was like or what I was like before then but I wish I was back to that simpler carefree time because when I think about the day to day thinking I do have, sometimes it is unbearable.

Shoot friends, I didn't think my diary would get that depress and so indepth. I swear you are seeing my heart and how sad it is. Sometimes I think of happy thoughts and it works sometimes but I always go back to my self and think of the other thoughts and I am back to to the beginning.

I really need to go to Lexington and be with friends. I can't wait to go. I am going to stay at Beckys place and I am going to have many firsts up there. Believe me I am going to forget about my depressing thoughts for that moment and leave them in Corbin and enjoy myself. I hope I can get drunk as I can be. I know I am going to enjoy myself. As time goes on, I realize that friends are the best family that you can have. Becky, Casey, Matt(Trendy), Heidi, Shannon, Mary, Ashley, Jennifer, etc. It is nice to have great friends. THanks guys.



Take a Step Backwards - Go ON Forward

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Backup Five Steps

I will be here tomorrow - Wednesday, Feb. 09, 2005

Gosh I think I am able to breath - Wednesday, Nov. 10, 2004

That is my relative, ziggy - Monday, Nov. 01, 2004

no bright eyes but always bushy tail - Thursday, Oct. 28, 2004

litte update from me.... - Wednesday, Oct. 27, 2004

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